Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.