Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.