HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
bias laundering edition