127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
You Might Also Like
Bike is short for Bichael.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??