When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this