Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
#gardening
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
it’s finally my moment to shine
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes