Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
You have been warned.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.