PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”