6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok