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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work