Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”