Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
181.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn