Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
You Might Also Like
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.