For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”