THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
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me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten