Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Me too
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.