mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying