Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
crochet youtube is brutal
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.