The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related