men, we mow at sunrise.
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime