Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Vodka burrito was a success
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case