Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.