I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Haha! 😂
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.