Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
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Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.