Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.