Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity