2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you