You Might Also Like
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.