Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
People buying plungers never look happy.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On