I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.