LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋