Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Don’t tell me what to do
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Bros before Ohioes
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”