In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
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I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Not today, today.
Not today.