It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
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If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me buying fruit and veg
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Seems kinda suspicious
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM