Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
🐕🍷
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?