The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
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I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he鈥檚 a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You鈥檙e welcome, Serena! That鈥檚 what I do all day! Decide the winner of women鈥檚 tennis matches!!!
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye鈥檚 provocation,
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 馃様
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
馃幎Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me馃幎
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don鈥檛. You鈥檙e the adult.