Every time my phone rings
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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it