Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.