My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE