I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.