“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
That 👊
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[shakes fist at other fist]
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Thoughts
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight