If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
ACED my prostate exam!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that