Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
How do dragons blow out candles?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing