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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Social distancing in Australia:
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?