Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My neck my back my allergy attack
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”