Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
When you let grandma cat sit
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]