[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.