If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
wtf management?!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Happy weekend !
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.