It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me