Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too